Nicole's world of depression

 I wanna die. Please

The worst thing about it all? Parental love. Losing a child is one of the worst things that can happen on this fucking planet. That's what's slowing down my gears and extinguishing my efforts at the early stages of thought. Silly. Weak. Tired.

 How to kill myself.  It is no easy task. So many people will be affected. Distance from them is not helping. Is it a cry for help? Is it a truly last ...? I guess not. I am weak. Cannot do it. But then I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be here. Don't deserve this life.  I thought life would be better after all of that. And it's still happening. It's back. Already know this all by heart. Please make it stop. Let me make it stop. I am tired. Sad. So so broken. Why does it hurt so much. Why have I all these feelings. Why do I feel everything so fucking much. Being here is painful. Self pity? Oh yes. I know her. I hurt those close around me. The innocent souls. I cannot handle it how can I. I feel so much for them yet I do so little for them. I feel like my heart is going to burst.  It. Fucking. Hurts. Pathetic. Weak. Stupid.

 

 Well. Farewell world.

 

 Daylight- I just can't do this anymore. I want to end this. Nightime- Just one more day. Just one more week. Hold up 'till he finds a place in life, 'till she ends school, 'till she marries...'till.... I'm sick of this.

 Alibizmus.

Such a weird times to be alive. I don ' t know... should I dress up or put a make up on? Will it help? I mean, it ' ll all end up in the pile of dirt and dust anyway. How should I prepare? Does it make sense to prepare? Or am I just overthinking it again...Am I going to chicken out as usual? Why do I always go through this... It ' s the same incredibly tiring process, the same loop of sh.t every time.  Who am I even kidding.

 Vietor. Ľadový vietor vo vlasoch. Skrehnuté prsty neisto držiace sa niečoho. Hlboká tma ale predsa príliš jasno. Desivé ticho ale predsa priveľký hluk. Neviem, nechcem, nemám právo. Všetci ho majú, všetci teraz trpia.  Vydrž. Pominie. Ale ja chcem...pominúť. Všetci teraz chcú. Vydrž. Nemám prečo vydržať. Musíš.  ... Bojuj a zaber. Nevládzem, neviem. Výhovorky. Postav sa a choď. Bojím sa. Nemáš čoho, začni už. Ale ja chcem skončiť. Ešte si ani nezačala. Veď práve... Tam, kde majú byť jasné oči, sú len sklenené atrapy. Neživé. Často obklopené potokmi emócii, teraz už len vyschnuté korytá vôkol nich. Psychické sa začína prelínať s fyzickým, fikcia s realitou. Čo je horšie? Kde končí realita? Kde vôbec je? Zmysel. Aké cudzie slovo. Bez významu. Čo je význam? Aký má cieľ? Čo? Ani to nepoznáš?... Tak sama. Navždy sama. Stratená. Neexistujúca. V ničote a v tichu.