Nicole's world of depression

 Where are you...  I miss you so much. Why did you leave me here. How can I be without you.   I love you. Love you so so much. Dreaming that you are at a better place. At peace. Without pain. God, I am sorry I failed you.   You were the light of my days for so many years. You deserved better life but I hope you did not suffer much. Your pure soul was all that kept me from drowning.  Now I am lost and hurt. I didn't know it could hurt that much. Trying to live without you seems impossible. How to move on when you were my everything. My thoughts, my work, my day... I returned at the end ...returned every time to you. After all the wounds from life I ran to you. To your quiet but endless eyes. So deeply kind and loving.  You had just us and I feel we weren't enough. I feel such hatred for myself for not helping you, not doing something more...anything. Neglect and avoidance...I was afraid to face you those last weeks. And you were suffering. I cannot...

 When will this constant state of despair end? It's getting tiresome.  As I thought I hit all time low...another blow is dealt. I just wish my existence was no more. No more to be a nuissance for others. Just...gone. I cannot stand to part with another soul. It. Fucking. Hurts. I want to be without feelings. Why. Why.

 I wanna die. Please

The worst thing about it all? Parental love. Losing a child is one of the worst things that can happen on this fucking planet. That's what's slowing down my gears and extinguishing my efforts at the early stages of thought. Silly. Weak. Tired.

 How to kill myself.  It is no easy task. So many people will be affected. Distance from them is not helping. Is it a cry for help? Is it a truly last ...? I guess not. I am weak. Cannot do it. But then I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be here. Don't deserve this life.  I thought life would be better after all of that. And it's still happening. It's back. Already know this all by heart. Please make it stop. Let me make it stop. I am tired. Sad. So so broken. Why does it hurt so much. Why have I all these feelings. Why do I feel everything so fucking much. Being here is painful. Self pity? Oh yes. I know her. I hurt those close around me. The innocent souls. I cannot handle it how can I. I feel so much for them yet I do so little for them. I feel like my heart is going to burst.  It. Fucking. Hurts. Pathetic. Weak. Stupid.

 

 Well. Farewell world.

 

 Daylight- I just can't do this anymore. I want to end this. Nightime- Just one more day. Just one more week. Hold up 'till he finds a place in life, 'till she ends school, 'till she marries...'till.... I'm sick of this.

 Alibizmus.